An Open Letter to Myself, Pt. II

            Who am I kidding? Eventually, we all knew there was going to be a second part, and a part three and a part four. Because this story–my life–has yet to come to its conclusion. Asking myself the same question, I still do struggle to maintain a positive outlook on life. However, what I have changed over the past few months is tell myself that everything that’s happened–good or bad–has all been for the best. It’s like I said before, make the most out of every possible situation life takes you and appreciating the small things. To me, that is how you can find happiness.

            Am I still an outcast, an introvert? Yes, but perhaps not as much as I was before I started work. So I began working my first job on October 1, 2018, having finally graduated from college. I landed in the Content team of the Marketing Communications department of the Siam Piwat Group, who’ve been responsible for running three of my childhood malls: Siam Paragon, Siam Center and Siam Discovery. My responsibilities are primarily writing content to post on the shopping malls’ official websites and Facebook pages. So I’m something of a copywriter. Additionally, I’ve conducted some interviews, most notably with the founder of Herschel Supply when he was visiting his store in Siam Center. My official title says I’m a “Content Creation Officer” (CCO). It sounds pretty cool, I guess.

            I remember saying that I wanted to work here between 1 or 3 years before moving on. But that was when I’d just started back in late 2018. To be honest, I don’t exactly love my job. Every day when I go to work at 9 AM, I always look forward to 6 PM, which is when I finish. Tuesdays and Thursdays are fun because those are gym days. Initially, I went to the gym only on the weekends. Eventually, my trainer pushed me to go during the weekdays as well. Now, I’ve also come to value my weekends so much more. It is my colleagues who make the job tolerable and even enjoyable at times. In our down time, we share a bunch of laughs and I just feel like it exudes so much positive energy. It may feel like a long shot to say this, but it sometimes feels like some of my colleagues are my family.

            There’s my boss, P’Aey, a former magazine chief editor who has a knack for seeing the hidden potential of everyone, including myself. Coming into the office initially writing only in English, I’ve been able to start writing Thai-language content with her tutelage. Then there’s P’Pu, my boss’s second-in-command and longtime best friend. I look up to her as a mother/older sister figure. And if there’s anyone I respect most in this office, it’s P’Pu. She’s helped me in both the work and personal aspects of my life, especially after hearing of my romantic woes. To say the least, I’ve learned a lot from her. Next, you have P’White. What once was an older brother figure to me has now become an aunt-like figure with a preference for girls. I guess you could say she’s the closest person to a dude in the office next to myself. Aside from helping me get on my feet upon my arrival at the office, she’s also given me her fair share of ‘guy advice’. And last but not least, there’s P’Bo and P’Kik. P’Bo mostly works with the tourist department and speaks fluent Chinese. She’s also an expert with the best spots to eat in Bangkok, among other places. P’Kik is the graphic designer on our team. She’s wicked talented with Adobe Illustrator and is a great artist. One of these days, I’m thinking about having her design a new tattoo for me (when she has time, of course). They’ve all made my working experience a very pleasant one. To sum it up, both P’Pu and P’White have taught me valuable lessons–both good and bad–that I won’t forget any time soon. And if they are willing to accept, I am happy to call them my new friends.

            On to the progress of my weight, things have turned out far better than I’ve expected. When I was filling out forms for my job application, I’d written down my weight as 58 kg. Believe it or not, my weight had dipped as low as 53 kg in my first couple of months at my workplace. It was at that point that people were beginning to say that I was seriously looking too skinny and sickly. My weight loss plan had worked out too well. So when I finally opted to go to the gym for an extra two days during the weekdays, the main goal was to put on muscle. I began drinking whey protein as well. The last time I measured, I had up to 84% muscle mass and 11% fat mass, not bad in my opinion. At this point, I look to build more muscle in my arms and upper body so that it can optimize the appearance of a tattoo. Yes, that’s right, I’m working out for the purpose of getting a tattoo. Now, as of September 9, 2019, I weigh in at 56.5 kg and wear size 29 jeans.

            Additionally, at my second gym, I began taking up kickboxing classes as well. I was getting tired of just lifting weights and doing abdominal workouts; I was looking for a new challenge. Now, the last time I’d exercised through boxing was 10 years ago. And I pretty much chickened out after developing blisters on my knuckles. This time, I wasn’t going to back down so easily. I bought myself a pair of 4-oz MMA gloves, hand wraps, boardshorts, and ankle supports from the Fairtex shop near my college campus to prepare myself. In my first time back, I foolishly sparred without hand wraps, leaving my knuckles bleeding and virtually scarred. I also brought a compression clothing set from Under Armour to help stabilize myself for the heavy-duty workouts that were to come. It all paid off. This time around, I really enjoyed my cardio kickboxing sessions, connecting on my combinations and relentlessly throwing my roundhouse kicks. My favorite part of the kickboxing workout was perhaps the Star Trac Boxmaster. After purchasing a pair of Glory 10oz gloves, I’ve been able to spar at my optimal strength and fully enjoy my kickboxing sessions, despite how physically demanding they can be. I’ve devoted all my Thursdays to kickboxing and have even nicknamed them “Muay Thai Thursdays” or MTT.  

            My re-ignited love for kickboxing stemmed from my rediscovered passion for combat sports. In sixth grade, I loved pro wrestling and the WWE. But when I found out wrestling wasn’t real, I grew out of it and set my sights on boxing in eighth grade. I had idolized Muhammad Ali for a long time, having put up a poster of him in my dorm room during my freshman year of high school. Manny Pacquiao was also my contemporary boxing hero. After boxing, there was kickboxing and Muay Thai. I would watch videos of legendary fighters like Buakaw and Kaoklai competing at K-1 on YouTube. This all happened while I was at high school in the United States. When I discovered the NFL and American football, though, I was sidetracked and combat sports went on the shelf for quite a long time.

            That was until I found ONE Championship, Southeast Asia’s first major MMA organization. Now, I’d seen the UFC several times but never really liked the UFC because of its trash-talking aspect. People like Conor McGregor and Ronda Rousey had ruined mixed martial arts, in my opinion. You talk so much shit just to sell tickets and make more money. Might as well rename the UFC “WWE 2.0”, right? But ONE Championship was much different. It taught different values: honor, respect, humility and sportsmanship. And its CEO Chatri Sityodtong held the belief that Asia, the birthplace of martial arts, should embrace one of its most important cultural treasures. Additionally, it also hosted kickboxing and Muay Thai matches, which I found to be very appealing. So I began following ONE Championship on a regular basis, watching every major event on Friday evenings via YouTube livestream. I also started watching weekend Muay Thai programs that included MX Muay Xtreme and Muay Thai Super Champ, shows which had been around for a while but I had only recently discovered. But it didn’t end there; I subscribed to UFC Fight Pass, where I was able to access events in MMA, Glory kickboxing, and Burmese lethwei. Watching fight sports essentially became a new part of my lifestyle. That was how I discovered my love for martial arts and, ultimately, combat sports.

            The reason why I bring this up is because ONE Championship may have affected my plans for the future. Being at Siam Piwat for a year, I can’t help but say that I’m slowly feeling the effects of occupational burnout. I know, one year shouldn’t warrant something like this. But it’s happened and I no longer feel the drive to put up my best performance here any longer. I couldn’t even if I tried. Nevertheless, I’ve been able to learn new things while working at Siam Piwat. After completing my one year at this current job, I’m seriously considering the possibility of moving on. A few months earlier, my dad had gotten in touch with a friend who happens to be part of the board of a Muay Thai organization called “Thai Fight”. I’ve seen many of their events before, having started to regularly watch their events, and they aren’t short on talent. It’s certainly a far cry from ONE Championship but if I do take a job in Thai Fight, it may just be my first step towards achieving my dream of being able to work in ONE Championship. A stepping stone, if you will. And at least, I’ll be able to work in the realm of something I truly love: combat sports.    

            Now, on to the recurring issue, my love life. Months after graduation, I have refused to see Palita. I have successfully avoided her for a total of 1 year. There’s no point in denying it, no matter how much I try, she still has an effect on me after all this time. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought this but she has continued to haunt my dreams. I tell myself every time that I’ve moved on from her, that a relationship between us would be impossible. I’ve come to accept that as well. I’ve done my best to sever our ties and burn our bridges. What I can’t deny is that she has been one of my favorite people to have been present in my life. But for now, it’s better if I didn’t see her. While I know it’s not the healthiest solution, I believe it’s all for the best.

            But in cutting her out of my life, I’ve also inadvertently cut out other friends as well. Not only is this unhealthy, but this type of behavior is self-destructive. Day by day, week by week, month by month… I’m slowly losing friends I’d once made during my days at university. But being me, it honestly doesn’t faze me much. As an introvert, I can handle being alone. Hell, I even value being alone over being in the company of people, even if they’re pleasant. During my sister’s graduation from Chula, I even made it a point to avoid Palita and my college friends, double-checking the graduation schedules to make sure that my sister’s graduation day didn’t fall on the same day as my faculty’s (which was where Palita and my friends would show up). Slowly but certainly, old parts of me die each day with this continued pattern of self-destruction.         

            What’s made things easier is the fact that Mint and Fai are both overseas, with Mint studying for her master’s in London and Fai working her job in Singapore. With that said, reunions will be more scarce. Believe me when I say the last thing I want is a reunion. Whenever the group asks if we want to meet up, I’m the first to say I can’t make it and I’ll make up an excuse to not show up. If you ask me now if I ever want to see these friends of mine again, I would probably say, “No.” To tell you the truth, I could honestly live without them. Have they wronged me in any way? Absolutely not. But one of them has somehow managed to play a significant role on my heart. And because of that, I can’t afford to see her face or even speak to her. In an ideal world, it’s best if we never saw each other or heard from each other again. The final nail in the coffin was when I permanently left our group chat on LINE in order to avoid any conversations or talks of meeting up. The last time I ever spoke with Palita? Through a phone call back in December 2018 before I was headed for the airport to take a flight to Tokyo.     

            However, from my encounters with Palita, I’ve learned not to expect things when it comes to love. Having transitioned from university life to office life, I’ve somehow managed to not attempt to seek out love. Why? Because there’s too much heartache and too much false hope to be found. Now, I have no expectations. Without expectations, there’s no need to have any hope. I can’t explain how relieving it feels to be free of such an emotional burden. I have been told by my colleagues, including P’Pu and P’White, that there will come a time that I will long for the company of friends and yearn for a life partner but I will say that now isn’t the time. Right now, I’m savoring every moment of solitude and freedom that I have.

            But I’m going to bring up the other side of the argument. Yes, my colleagues are right. Damn them for being right. A time will come where I will begin yearning for a girlfriend–a life partner–once again. Hell, a time may even come when I want to start a family and have kids. One weekend, I got to meet my niece on my mother’s side. In my mind I couldn’t help but think how she was the most precious and adorable thing I’d ever seen. It also got me thinking that having a family wasn’t the most terrible thing in the world. Then I was also reminded by a conversation I’d had with P’Pu. It went something along the lines of whenever she felt like giving up, her family–her daughter–was her reason to keep on working. However, I still have certain fears and doubts. I’m afraid that if I were to get married, it would end in separation. I’m afraid that if I had a child, they would go down the same path that I have.

            But it is these “what-ifs” that will ultimately prevent me from finding out how things will truly play out. After all, I do get tired of pondering over the many things that could have been but never came to be. Who knows? Maybe my life partner will turn out to be the support system I’ve needed all this time. Maybe she’ll be able to understand me in ways other people haven’t been able to. Maybe my child, if I were to have one, will change me as a person. Perhaps they will make me an even better version of myself. The possibilities are endless. So yes, perhaps a family of my own would give me a reason to fight, a reason to consistently maintain a positive outlook on life. To say the least, this conversation and meeting my niece has opened up my heart and mind to other possibilities.       

            There’s no knowing for sure which path my life will take me at the end of this year, let alone ten years down the road. What I do know is that, over the past year of working and adjusting to the adult life, I’ve been able to salvage and maintain happiness from the littlest of things, whether it was something funny my colleague said or a good fight I saw on ONE Championship. Yes, there’ve certainly been the rough turns but that’s always to be expected. If there’s anything I’ve learned, there’s no such thing as smooth sailing all the way. There will be road bumps and there will be turbulence. The only thing in your control is how you choose to approach them. Expecting hardships is one thing, easy to do. Accepting them, however, is the hardest thing you may ever have to do. Once you learn to both expect and accept them, there is nothing left to worry about. Until then, just take what you can from all that has happened and turn it into something worth cherishing. I’m not religious or spiritual, but I do believe that everything that happens has its purpose. When you fully accept that, true happiness is possible.

An Open Letter to Myself (and Probably Everyone Else)

For most (if not all) of my life, I’ve struggled to maintain a positive outlook on things. I never really belonged with any group of people when starting school and, as a result, I didn’t make many friends. Perhaps I was one of those people who had few but very close friends as opposed to one of those who had many but just not as close. I was more or less an outcast. But that was only the beginning.

Because I couldn’t find myself a group to stick with, from kindergarten through high school, I found myself thinking that I didn’t belong anywhere. And because of that, I stopped seeking out the company of others. That was when I earned myself the label of introvert. Yes, I had a few select friends to hang out with or talk with, but most of the time I preferred to keep to myself. I think that took a turn when I started the first of my final two years of high school in Hong Kong.

  Junior year at HISHK marked as a turning point in my life. Owing to my lack of confidence and generally low self-esteem, I wasn’t really the type to draw the attention of people. Simply put, I could’ve easily disappeared into a crowd of 5 people (yes, 5) if I wished. I was nobody. But by the age of 17, I’d somehow captivated the attention of a 16-year-old Hong Kong student by the name of Chloe. We met at the school orientation in September 2012 and started out as friends. Chloe and I would continually converse through WhatsApp when we weren’t together. We were close enough that she’d invited me to her 17th birthday party on November 17, 2012.

I didn’t make it to the party. Why? On the night of November 15, I’d suffered my first seizure. I found myself waking up in the school’s infirmary, dizzy and confused. They were in the process of getting me into an ambulance. I was set to stay the night at the nearby hospital to be kept under observation. The following morning, outside of a phone call from my dorm neighbor Clarence, the first message I received was from Chloe, asking how I was doing after having heard of last night’s debacle. Looking back, I’m glad she was concerned for me. But then again, later in the day, a lot of people from school posted on my Facebook wishing me to ‘get well soon’ and ‘feel better’. I would like to take this moment to thank them all.

Anyway, I was able to join with the party group after I was discharged from the hospital on November 17. I hugged Chloe for the first time that same day after I shared a story about my grief on the passing of my Labrador and close friend Abby. Truth be told, that was probably the first time I felt something for her. In this case, I mean something more than friendship. Funnily enough, on November 21, she asked me: “I want to know how you feel about me.” At this point, I know how I’m feeling but I just didn’t know the words to use. That was when I sought out the help of my then-roommate Ilkay. I guess you could say that had it not been for Ilkay, Chloe and I would probably never have dated.

So yeah, Chloe and I began a relationship. But there was only so much we could do since we were confined to boarding school and its bogus rules. December 1st of 2012 was the first time we officially went out. We hung out in the city, caught a movie, and finished our night at Times Square Hong Kong, where I was to take a cab back to school. Five and a half years later, I still look back fondly on our first kiss.

Chloe and I were together from November 21, 2012 up until June 27, 2014 (although I guess she decided to break up with me before, can’t give an exact date on that). At first, I felt sad. Little did I know it would be the first step to my first bout of depression over our breakup. Sometimes it got to the point of me being unable to get out of bed or going to bed as early as 6 PM. In addition, I also lost control of my eating habits. At night, I’d sneak out to the nearby 7-11 to buy bags of chips, bottles of sodas and occasionally some beer. I’d be stuffing my face at midnight or 1 in the morning.  

Later on, when I started university, the depression was joined by resentment. Eventually, it developed into a trifecta of depression, resentment and anger. Before that, I’d tried in vain to talk Chloe into getting back with me only to be met with harsh words of rejection. To add to that, she also began talking about another guy at her university. That was when I became vengeful. One night on November 2014, I snapped and opted to break off all contact with her. Facebook, WhatsApp, Line… I erased every trace of her from my life. Later on, on April 2018, I made amends with Chloe and you could say we’re back on speaking terms.

At university, I’d made myself some friends, surprisingly enough. With certainty I will say that my first friend at college was Beam the anime enthusiast and cosplayer. However, the current status of our friendship is in question. Regardless, the most prominent people in my first set of friends would most definitely be Mint and Fai. Mint had enrolled as 16-year-old college freshman out of RIS. Even though she was 16, she was the designated driver among us (and yes, she did this without a license). Fai was about my age, having graduated from a school in Singapore, having studied there for almost half of her life. Others I will mention include Louis the Frenchman and New the cat-lover. Later on in my sophomore year, I would also befriend Palita, Nan and Vivie.

Naturally, having broken up with Chloe after high school, I’d done some searching when I arrived at college. I’ve said it before and I won’t hesitate to say it again, Mina was my first crush in college. From her competence to the sound of her voice, I was actually crazy about her. My mistake? Advertising to pretty much everyone in the faculty my feelings. That was a lesson I later learned: Don’t always be so trusting of the ones around you. But I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her face-to-face. Sure, I’d given a few gestures (a rose for her after she’d won a competition to become the university’s MC), but that just wasn’t enough. My lack of confidence held me back. While she found out, followed by a crazy maelstrom of emotions (all of which were on my part), we have remained on good terms and I’m happy to say we’re still friends.   

But by then, I was also dealing with other issues. Months prior, my mom had been diagnosed with cancer for the fourth time. Still, she was fighting with my dad and sister by her side. Where was I? Too preoccupied with sulking in my own sorrow. Much so that I forgot that there were other people who needed me. In retrospect, I should’ve been there for her. In the last several weeks of my mom’s life, it took so much out of me having to watch her wither away. On the morning of February 24, 2015, at approximately 5:10 AM, my mom finally left. I was broken down, devastated. But of course, life goes on. We mourned her loss and we moved on.

During this time period, I was significantly struggling with my weight, despite having a personal trainer. I remember stepping on the scale on my first day at the gym to see 81.0 kg on the screen. I was clearly overweight with a fat percentage of 28%. I also remember telling my trainer that my target weight was 60 kg, no matter how long it took. But in the beginning, I was going in the wrong direction. By the end of my freshman year, after having paid a visit to Hong Kong for the first time in a year, I had peaked at a ghastly 85 kg. After being continuously teased and mocked by family friends for my physical stature, I decided that it was now or never.

I hit the gym five days a week, avoided high-carb and high-fat foods, and pretty much ate the equivalent of two meals a day: smoothie for breakfast, regular lunch, and protein bar for dinner. No matter how bad I’d want a double bacon cheeseburger from Carl’s Jr., I would always remind myself that it wasn’t worth the weight gain. The protein bar diet did pay some dividends. Having begun my diet on August 2015 at approximately 84 kg, I was 71 kg by August 2016. People really did notice the progress I’d made and I thought that it was as low I could go. Boy, was I wrong indeed. Today, I refer to this period as “Phase 1”.  

Having shed 14 kg, I felt that I was allowed to resume my regular diet. Okay, I didn’t exactly go back to eating cheeseburgers or Chinese takeout every night but I did eat regular-sized portions for three meals a day. What I didn’t take into consideration was the quality of the foods I was eating. Because of that, I gained as much as 4 kg heading into 2017. Despite being cautious of what I ate during my internship at the Bangkok Post from June to August 2017, this time was when I gained most of my weight. Beginning in February 2018, I began what I now refer to as “Phase 2” of my weight loss goal. I’d gone to my cousin’s wedding struggling to breathe in size 34 trousers. That same day, the scale had read 75.0 when I stepped onto it. I resumed my two-meal-a-day plan with some changes. This time, I would eat strictly two meals, breakfast and lunch only. As of July 2018, I weigh in at 59 kg. I can say that I’ve achieved my target weight, even if it took three years. Now I find myself able to wear size 30-32 pants. These past few months were perhaps the first time in my life where people have actually told me to eat more and that I was getting too skinny. Now whether or not they mean it, I don’t know. But it sure does feel good to hear it from others.

When the “I Have a Crush on Mina” ship had left port, I set my sights on another friend, Vivie. I was able to convince myself that I was in love with this girl, despite having known her for a total of three months by then. Her significant other, whom she is now back with, was (and still is) a full-blown tomboy. Still, I told myself that Vivie was the one. Long story short, I had a crush on her for half of 2016 before she went on exchange in South Korea in our junior year. Then it just pretty much came to an end. Whatever happened then, I’m just glad with the way things are now between us.  

During the first semester of my junior year in October 2016, I suffered another seizure. Apparently, this particular one warranted a prescription of Valium from my doctor. Ignoring the instructions, I took a pill every night before bedtime. As the Diazepam accumulated within me, I realized I was in another depression. At the time, I didn’t know that my medication was the cause of it. But boy, the depression really came at a bad time. Mint was dating this guy she’d met while working one summer at a Swensen’s ice-cream shop and Palita was talking with some guy from the accounting faculty. I was hit with the strong feeling of abandonment. Eventually though, after I ceased taking Valium, all of it began to fade away and I was feeling fine by the time 2017 rolled around.

In the first semester of my senior year, however, I realized that depression wasn’t far behind me. Around September 2017, Mint (having already broken up with the ice-cream shop guy) had begun to realize her orientation and decided to reciprocate the feelings Fai has had for her since our sophomore year. The day she told me, she was dropping me off at the gym. To be honest, I was completely taken by surprise. Simultaneously, I also felt down. I did everything my PT instructed but I didn’t say a word. That same day, after seeing an ad on Facebook, I signed up for BetterHelp so that I had someone to voice my feelings to. After all, before this, Mint had been my one true confidant. But that part was over, forever changed. Mint found out about how I was feeling and it left her briefly conflicted. Before long, the two had started a relationship. And whenever the two had a falling out, Mint would come in my direction seeking solace. At the time, I thought I was just the person to pick up the broken pieces between the two, the fucking crutch to lean on when everyone else had turned their backs on her. Looking back on it, I wasn’t sad because I had a crush on Mint, I was sad because of the change that was to come. And she only came to me because she trusted me. There’s no easy way to say this but our friendship has forever changed because of everything that’s happened. Not much I can do but make the most out of how things have turned out.

For a time during our final semester of senior year, I turned my attention to Palita. I just wanted to be away from Mint and Fai, even Vivie (who related well to the two). I’ll admit I was never as close to Palita and Nan as I had been with Mint and Fai; but I would’ve preferred to be with the former as opposed to the latter. Nevertheless, I truly enjoyed being in the company of Palita. My most favorite memory of her has to do with Hong Kong and Disneyland. From time to time, I’ll go on my Instagram and look at the pictures I took with her during our 2017 trip to Hong Kong. I won’t lie, at some point I may have also been smitten with Palita. I’ve written pieces about her, not that she knows they’re about her. I have sent only one piece of prose to her; but that’s just one of many. Our paths have diverged now that we’ve finished university. I don’t know how many more times I’ll see her but I do know that I’m damn grateful for her presence in my life. No matter what happens between us, she will always be a great friend I’ve had the pleasure of having.

Which is why I’m talking in the first place. I’ve been a negative person for most of my life; just ask my dad, my sister, and my friends. I seem to find the dark even in the brightest of things. There’s always this urge to always dig up some dirt. They got married? Huh, she’s probably in for the money. They’re doing community work? Huh, publicity will get you places. You know what I mean. In the meantime, I would always complain about how things didn’t turn out a certain way.

For sure, there are many things in my life (and I’m sure in others’ lives) that didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to. You know how they say you’re in control of your own destiny? I beg to differ. While part of it may be true, you’re not always in control of the happenings around you. Example? Unreciprocated feelings. I could swim halfway across the world (in reality, I can’t) to prove my love only to find that the other party isn’t willing to do the same. You see, while I may be able to control my own feelings, I have no control over the feelings of another person. And ultimately, things play out differently.

Sometimes I wonder if one course action would’ve made the difference. Did I make a mistake in not calling? What if I’d told her how I felt instead of keeping quiet? My life has mostly been built up of “what-ifs” and “why-nots”. There are endless possibilities when you stop to think about it. I’ve come to realize that I’ve spent too much time wishing for certain things in life. Life is a far cry from perfect but there is still so much to love about it. Sometimes you just can’t force a certain outcome in life and you just have to roll along with it. Over the years, I’ve learned to appreciate every little thing out of every single situation. Furthermore, I’ve learned to live with every outcome. In my opinion, I believe life is about finding small things in every aspect that you learn to appreciate and just ultimately trying to make the most out of every possible situation life takes you, regardless of how much or how little you like it. Essentially, I can appreciate what I do have instead of focusing on what I don’t. When you learn to do this, you can ultimately achieve some degree of happiness in the end.