Thoughts on Dave Leduc & His Comments

I’m open-minded to a lot of martial arts forms, whether it’s Muay Thai, karate, boxing, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, or wrestling. But when it comes to my Southeast Asian neighbors, I like to think that I’m respectful of their national martial arts. Cambodia has Kun Khmer (aka Pradal Serey), Laos has Muay Lao, and Myanmar has Lethwei.

Lethwei fighter Tun Tun Min in the red trunks

At times, I can be more fond of Lethwei than I am of Muay Thai, even though I’m from Thailand. Probably because of the fact that I consider Lethwei to be the latter’s bigger, badder brother from Myanmar. On the surface, the two are quite similar. However, there are four major differences that set Lethwei apart from Muay Thai:

1. Lethwei fighters wear gauze wraps instead of gloves.

2. Lethwei allows for the use of headbutts.

3. Lethwei fighters are allowed a 2-minute injury timeout.

4. If a no one is knocked out in a Lethwei fight after 5 rounds, the fight is a draw.

And this is why I’ve always respected the national martial art of Myanmar. To me, Lethwei seems to be a real man’s sport. Furthermore, the many Burmese fighters who fight in Lethwei truly embody the meaning of toughness. At times, they make Muay Thai fighters look like weaklings. But I digress.

Dave Leduc’s Facebook Post:

So apparently, Lethwei’s most famous fighter is a foreigner. Dave Leduc is from Quebec, Canada and has held multiple Lethwei championships in the openweight division. His official Lethwei record is 6 wins and 6 draws. Is he good? That record seems to speak for itself. But is he good enough to suddenly call out one of the best Muay Thai fighters of all time when the country that has glorified him is going through so much turmoil? Here are the comments he made on social media regarding Muay Thai:

You can only understand, true, all out stand up combat once you’ve fought without gloves, all 9 limbs allowed, and no judges – KO to win.

The art of Lethwei is the most effective stand up combat on the planet, far superior due to less restrictions on striking and takedowns.

Let’s make it clear: Lethwei is the ultimate test for strikers. I don’t care how many belts you have in other stand up disciplines, it won’t matter once you fight without your hand pillows and you face a warrior looking for any opportunity to smash his skull against the soft tissues of your face. It’s another world.

The Muaythai community is unaware of the ancestor of their sport. I understand Myanmar was hidden from the world for 60 years, but it’s time to set the record straight:

• The Burmese empire dominated ancient South East Asia with their hand to hand combat and unequalled resilience. They looted and destroyed the ancient Siam capital, Ayattuya and took many prisoners.

• Muayboran was copied from traditional Lethwei

• Thai people are training a softened version of Burmese Boxing.

• Lethwei is not about being pretty or good looking, it’s about inflicting damage.

Naï Khanom Tom was our little obedient prisoner in Burma, he was captured like a bitch. He never did the feats Thai people claim he did. They only invented these ludicrous folklore fables because they were pathetically losing to Burma in both warfare and border competitions.

The funniest thing is Thailand still celebrates a day every year for this guy the guy get imprisoned in Burma, gets released and invents a story to look cool claiming he beat 9 Burmese Lethwei champions, some of the hardest dudes on earth, in a row! it’s easy to invent stories when nobody can verify them To this day, when Muaythai champions cross-over to Myanmar, the best they can do is a Draw, but most of the time get KOed, overwhelmed by the unorthodox use of the human skull strikes and gloveless hands.

That’s why I have accepted the offer presented to my team for the end of the year: 𝗟𝗲𝘁𝗵𝘄𝗲𝗶 𝘃𝘀. 𝗠𝘂𝗮𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗶

F*** Naï Khanom Tom.

F*** Buakaw.

To the Muaythai community: I will smash your boy.

It’s my last fight.

Picking On Smaller Guys

Wow, sounds like a lot of pent-up rage coming from a guy who’s spent most of his career taking the shortcut and exploiting the less saturated talent pool of Lethwei. Not to take anything away from Burmese Lethwei fighters but every time Leduc fights a native of Myanmar, there is an obvious size discrepancy. For context, Leduc is 6 feet and 2 inches (188 cm) while weighing around 175 pounds (80 kg). The average man in Myanmar is 5 feet 4 inches (163 cm) while the average man in Thailand is 5 feet 7 inches (170 cm).

Anyway, the only two Burmese fighters Dave Leduc has faced, Too Too and Tun Tun Min, measure at 5 foot 10 (178 cm) and 5 foot 9 (175 cm) respectively. It’s still a size advantage for the Canadian either way. Yet he is still allowed to compete because Lethwei is usually contested in the openweight division, meaning anyone of any size can fight someone else of a different size. Looking up the other opponents he’s faced, only three are the same size as him and two have fought to a draw with him. There’s Muay Thai fighters Adem Yilmaz and Corentin Jallon and former UFC fighter Seth Baczynski (who were about 191 cm). While he did knock out Baczynski, you have to consider the fact that he was primarily a mixed martial artist who had more submissions than knockouts. Basically, Leduc beat a taller grappler in a striking-only match.

Buakaw Banchamek

But he sure has the audacity to call out Buakaw. I’ll admit, Buakaw was my favorite fighter when I started watching kickboxing. I started watching K-1 when I was about 16 and one of the first fights that popped up involved Buakaw. So yeah, he really played a role in my love for combat sports. Back to the point, Buakaw is 5 foot 8 (173 cm) and fights at 154 pounds (70 kg). Leduc is 15 centimeters taller and 10 kilograms heavier but is still challenging a physically smaller fighter. Furthermore, Buakaw is past his prime at 39 while Leduc is still young at 29. How about you pick on someone your own size, Dave?

Stirring Up Shit Between ASEAN Neighbors

I get it. Thailand used to be under Burmese rule centuries ago. The two countries used to go to war constantly. But again, that was centuries ago. And Dave Leduc is out here acting like Conor fucking McGregor trying to stir shit up by digging up ancient history to start some cross-border conflict. All for what? A fight? A massive payday? Hey Dave, if you haven’t been paying attention, Myanmar (the country that for some reason seems to worship you like a fucking superhero) has bigger problems on its hands right now. Or maybe you’ve just been housed in the comforts of your Dubai home for too long. Instead of running your mouth on Muay Thai and all of Thailand, how about you use your trash-talking skills on Myanmar? Maybe that way, you could make a difference.

But of course, I’m pretty sure he’s only interested in making a fight with Buakaw happen. The whole ‘I fight for Myanmar’ thing? It’s all an act to get the spotlight on him. Leduc is trying to milk Myanmar for as much money as he can. Yet the country he claims to fight for is still struggling, as evidenced by the thousands of protestors marching the city streets demanding freedom. But where is Dave Leduc? Oh right, in his luxurious Dubai home.

Another issue I have with Leduc’s post is how he brings up the folk tale of Nai Khanomtom. For those of you unfamiliar with Muay Thai, Nai Khanomtom is regarded as a heroic figure in Muay Thai. According to legends, he was held captive by the Burmese during the 18th century but was set free when he defeated ten Burmese fighters in one night using Muay Thai. Since then, there’s been a date dedicated to Nai Khanomtom in Thailand. Fact or fiction, it’s a nice story to hear. But the way Leduc just smears him with his foul language is disgusting. But then again, what can you expect from a guy like that?

Ah, then there’s the debate about which sport came first. Time and time again, people like to say that Thai people stole Muay Thai from somewhere. In Leduc’s version of events, the Thais copied from Lethwei and created Muay Thai. I’m not a historian and I’ll never know what exactly happened regarding the creation of Muay Thai. But fact: Dave Leduc competed in Muay Thai prior to turning to Lethwei. He trained at the fabled Tiger Muay Thai in Phuket. Was he a great Muay Thai fighter? He had 14 wins and 1 loss. What about his opponents? Never heard of any of them. He previously stated that he used Muay Thai as a means of purposely getting into Lethwei, that his goal was to become a bareknuckle fighter of sorts. This is where I call bullshit.

What do I think? Leduc saw he was probably destined to be an average or just-above-average guy in Muay Thai and wanted to take the quick lane to fame. He saw the opportunity in Lethwei, where the talent pool consisted of much smaller fighters and openweight fights. Add to the fact that he’d be fighting under a brutal ruleset, it was a win-win situation for him. So there he was in Myanmar, beating up smaller dudes and winning titles left and right. Just like that, the country came to worship this guy as their national sporting hero. Ironic, right?

There’s one more thing about Leduc’s post that I take issue with. “Thai people are training a softened version of Burmese Boxing.” Reading this makes my blood boil. It makes me wish that Leduc gets hit by a bus or his wife falls out of the window of their second floor. Yes, judge me if you want. Hey Dave, let me tell you something, motherfucker. Most of these Thai people don’t have a choice so they use Muay Thai as a career path. They start from a young age, earning money from fights with the hopes that they can eventually provide for their family. At the same time, they have to make sure they don’t take too much damage so that they can enjoy life after hanging up the gloves. The same goes for Myanmar citizens who aren’t socioeconomically comfortable when they turn to professional Lethwei. And I can’t imagine what the accumulated damage does to them by the time they’ve retired. But you don’t know that because you’ve probably been comfortable most of your life. You only fight for fame and glory, the latter of which you don’t deserve.

Leduc Will Only Ever Be Good At Lethwei

With his achievements in Lethwei, many have wanted to see him compete in MMA. He’d received an offer to become an MMA fighter in ONE Championship but turned it down. This is his reason: “I need to stay focused on my thing. I like fighting with no gloves and with headbutts: that’s my passion.” I mean with a 14–1 Muay Thai record and 6–0–6 Lethwei record, he’s got to have some success in the cage, right? Wrong! Dave Leduc sucks at mixed martial arts. He has no wins and 2 losses as an MMA fighter.

While he lost his first fight to a larger guy (Jonathan Meunier), the funny thing is he lost to a significantly smaller guy. In his second fight, Leduc faced future ONE Championship fighter and former ONE featherweight title challenger Koyomi Matsushima. For the record, Matsushima stands at 173 centimeters. But he beats Leduc by TKO in just 19 seconds. I’ve seen footage of the Meunier fight and let me tell you, it was satisfying to see Leduc get his bald head bashed in. I do wish I could find the Matsushima fight, though.

The MMA fight between Dave Leduc and Jonathan Meunier

So when Leduc said he wanted to stay focused on his passion, it was his way of saying he didn’t want to get humiliated in mixed martial arts. Yeah, I think it’s best he stayed away from the cage. Though the thought of someone punching or elbowing his face from full mount again doesn’t sound so bad. If he were to try MMA again…

The Aftermath

Needless to say, Leduc’s social media post sparked a lot of backlash from the Muay Thai community, who called out his blatant disrepect. Even the people of Myanmar began to turn on him for his behavior. I understand that trash-talking is a prominent feature of combat sports in the West. But here in Southeast Asia, it’s disrespectful and disgraceful. Had he wanted to actually fight Buakaw under some form of Lethwei rules, he could’ve sat and negotiated. But he went all UFC and shat on an entire nation. A nation that, I might add, offered him its hospitality when he asked for it during his stay at Tiger Muay Thai. That’s what I call biting the hand that feeds. Myanmar, you should watch out for that guy.

Of course, authority figures in Muay Thai demanded that Lethwei’s higher-ups take action. And take action they did. The Myanmar Traditional Lethwei Federation prohibited Leduc from entering the country, as well as from competing in Lethwei. But according to the Federation’s press release, the ban would only be effective for two years. Personally, I think Leduc could care less about not being able to enter Myanmar. After all, I’m pretty sure he’s more comfortable in his luxurious Dubai home. And two years… As we all know, these are times of COVID-19. By the time the pandemic subsides, his ban may as well be over. Perhaps they were a little too soft with his punishment. With his disgraceful behavior, he should at least get a ten-year ban.

After the official statement, Leduc bit back in another Facebook post:

Concerning the comical post from a Lethwei group trying to attack me, they have done this before. It’s just a bunch of old dudes from a community club that don’t like me for being too real and outspoken, making “official letters”

Am I supposed to care? I fight for the 55 million Myanmar people, not 10 old dudes that don’t do nothing to help Lethwei grow. I have attracted more eyes to Lethwei and more economic growth in Myanmar in 5 years, than their entire group in the last 25 years. The funniest part is that they think they have any power

They’re not even the world federation, the most powerful one is WLF World Lethwei Federation.

Remember when you are too powerful or you’re changing things, you will always annoy some people. You can never please everyone, if you achieve anything in your life you will always make some enemies. The sooner you realize that the happier you will be. Fuck normal.

So he’s taking credit Myanmar’s economic growth and increased interest in Lethwei, the latter of which he’s actually responsible for. However, the fact Dave Leduc keeps saying he fights for Myanmar is sickening. Where the hell is he when the citizens need him most? All that money and fame is getting to his head and now he thinks he’s invincible. While he doesn’t exactly trash Myanmar the same way he trashed Thailand, he does tear apart the Myanmar Traditional Lethwei Federation, who are responsible for making his fights in Myanmar possible. In essence, they were partially responsible for making him a sporting hero in Myanmar. Already, Leduc is back doing what he does best: biting the hand that feeds.

He says in his post that he’s too powerful. But I can’t help but wonder who were the people that helped him become powerful. I wonder if he threw them under the bus once shit hit the fan with his disgusting social media behavior. From here, I can only watch if the World Lethwei Federation will back him up. Nevertheless, he’s already turned on the Myanmar Traditional Lethwei Federation. I wouldn’t be surprised if he did the same to the World Federation if they choose not to support him.

Final Thoughts

While I’m glad that the Myanmar’s sanctioning body for Lethwei took action after Dave Leduc’s disgraceful comments on social media, it is only a short-term solution. A two-year ban is far too short and I’m sure other countries outside of Asia are more than willing to put on a Lethwei fight for him. That’s the thing, sometimes shitty people prevail. But maybe there will come a time that he falls. Maybe he finally meets his match in Lethwei, a fighter who’s his own size. And, in a stroke of karma, knocks him out cold. One can only hope.

But perhaps Leduc will get his comeuppance after he hangs up those wraps. Who can say what life will be like after throwing so many headbutts and taking so many bareknuckle punches? Brain damage is no joke but yet, the thought of him suffering from an ailment delights me. I know, I’m a terrible human being. But a shitty individual like him deserves it, don’t you think?

Anyway, I understand that trash-talking is a common part of the fight game in the US and Europe. But here in Asia, it’s just not cool. It’s an unwritten rule that he broke. Furthermore, one appearance on the Joe Rogan Experience made Dave Leduc believe he was a super sports celebrity. All this fame is got to his head and he decided that he was in a position to call out any fighter he wanted, even someone as well-respected as Buakaw. And the fashion in which he called out Buakaw was extremely disrespectful, saying he would smash him and sharing a post of Buakaw’s private conflicts.

If he insists on sticking to these tactics, I suggest he try out for the UFC. After all, it’s what sells fights. But oh I forgot, he was focused on his own passion: fighting without gloves and with headbutts. In other words, he’s too afraid to try mixed martial arts for fear of getting his ass kicked. While I understand that talking trash helps sells tickets, it’s better to take the road less taken. It’s better to be humble and honorable. After all, this is what martial arts is about. And it’s not only martial arts, but life in general as well.

Why I Left Thai Fight

If you’ve read “An Open Letter to Myself, Pt. III”, you’ll know that I worked at Thai Fight. It’s an organization that hosts Muay Thai events. At the time, it sounded like the perfect fit. After all, there was nothing I was more passionate about than martial arts and combat sports. To me, it was like a magnificent start to a dream career. But if that were the case, I wouldn’t be writing this now, would I? What happened at Thai Fight that made me leave after just six months of working there?

First, we start at the beginning. After meeting with sponsors of the company, I finally get a meeting arranged with company’s owner, Mod. Now, you’d think that meeting with the owner of a company, you would meet at his office. However, Mod wanted to meet at a steak restaurant, of all places. It was strange. But I thought at the time maybe he was doing some business in the area and just decided to meet the potential hire that was myself, who was working nearby.

I remember to this day that I was wearing a ONE Championship t-shirt the day I met Mod. He sees this and once I get seated, he proceeds to verbally trash ONE about their low TV ratings and how they “slaughter Thai fighters”. Then we get to talking about why I wanted to join Thai Fight. I display my somewhat extensive knowledge of combat sports and he’s impressed to a certain degree. He then talks about some projects he’s working on: a Thai Fight energy drink and a Thai Fight hotel. “Sounds promising,” I said. At the time, it was good to see that he was looking to expand his business. Aesthetically, Thai Fight really was the biggest Muay Thai organization in Thailand, with its huge entrance ramp, pyrotechnics, and fireworks. Keep in mind, I said aesthetically.

Before I leave, Mod shows me a photo on his cellphone. It’s an aerial view of a Thai Fight event with ten thousand people. He then says to me, “Look at this. This is a Thai Fight event, ten thousand people come and watch this. Do you think ONE Championship brings in these kinds of numbers?” I’m a little annoyed by the jab at ONE but walk away nonetheless. I just thought that big business owners had that kind of attitude. But then one of the sponsors tell me to stop wearing the ONE shirts once I start working there. Uh-oh? Nah, I figured I could get used to getting more Thai Fight shirts.

Getting Started: Part I

Acknowledging my enthusiasm for the job, Mod invites me to meet up again. We get to talking about past Thai Fight events, his upcoming projects, and our appreciation of other martial arts. And then he implores me to come over to the office to see a photoshoot for the company’s new lineup of fighters for 2020. I figured it’d be cool since I’d get to meet some real Muay Thai fighters.

The first signs of struggle began when I realized the location of the office. It required me taking the subway, getting off after 8 stops, and then taking a motorcycle taxi to a housing estate. The commute was, to say the least, troublesome. But the bigger surprise was the “office” for Thai Fight. It was a four-story house painted black and accessorized with the Thai Fight logo. When I entered, I was greeted by a busy environment of office workers setting up a backdrop while fighters changed into their attire.

Mod was there as well. And when he came downstairs, all the fighters were required to go and greet him. “Hey, the boss is here! Make sure you go say hello to him!” an employee barked at a fighter. Look, I understand the whole concept of respecting your elders in my culture but here it was like they were worshiping him. I understand that he was the guy who was giving the fighters a big opportunity but they were treating him as some sort of revered deity. To me, it was weird and over-the-top.

My soon-to-be boss comes up to me and asks, “See any of your favorites?” I shake my head and reply honestly, “My favorites are the older generation of fighters. These guys are the next generation.” In fact, my favorite Muay Thai fighter had been under contract with Thai Fight. He was so successful until he had a falling out with both his gym and Thai Fight. Things ended in ugly fashion and no one in Thai Fight was to ever mention his name. If his name was ever spoken, though, Mod would always start talking shit about this fighter.

Getting Started: Part II

I go into the office for a second interview, this time with my future boss. His name is O, a somewhat obese man who previously worked in investment banking at the Central World department store. He’s also the highest-paid employee at Thai Fight, earning a six-figure salary each month. The interview goes as normal up until the part about working hours. Having worked a 9-5 from Monday to Friday, I said I could work Monday through Friday when he asked when I could work. This is when he looked up and said, “We work Saturdays here.” Before I could say more, we continue on and I assumed he was okay with me working only five days a week. He also had no objections to my asking salary, which I thought would be what I would be getting paid when I started.

Eventually, I began working at Thai Fight on February 3, 2020. I am first given a “proper introduction” to the rest of the office by the HR guy, Dul. Afterwards, I go into his office where the conversation gets very weird. He starts by saying he was given the “honorable task” of holding down the top rope when the fighters enter the ring (in Muay Thai, the fighters always go over the top rope), that he used to serve in the army, and that Mod is his brother-in-law due to the fact that his sister is married to Mod. Umm, cool for you?

We then go over some paperwork. Then things start to go downhill. He starts talking about how he expects everyone to come into work Monday through Saturday. I quickly say that I’d agreed with my boss that I would come in Monday to Friday. Judging from the look on his face, he did not take this too well. But he asks, “What’s wrong with you? Are you unwell?” Now I didn’t mention any health conditions to my boss O but I decide to answer Dul with, “In fact, I am.” And I decide to push it further, “I have to go for medical checkups on the weekends.” A look that says, “Oh, I see.” flashes across his face and he drops the matter. Then he talks about my salary. Looking at the piece of paper, the amount is about 21% less than what I was promised. When I protest, his excuse is that this is my probationary rate. When I pass the probationary period, they will pay me the amount I asked for. Okay, fair enough.

I am assigned to the “Online Team”, where we were to manage and monitor the company’s social media platforms. We were five twenty-somethings who were given the mission of giving the company a boost (I’m talking views, likes, subscribers, followers etc.). Mod assumed that since we were younger, we would think of some groundbreaking, innovative online content that would introduce the company to newer audiences. I guess his logic was that all millennials were social media experts. But all the content ideas we pitched to Mod were brushed off or swiftly rejected. Instead, he dictated the content we uploaded on every social media platform we managed. What content? Photos and video highlights. It was the same old stuff Thai Fight had always done. This was the opposite of groundbreaking content. O made an excuse that you had to have something really groundbreaking and mind-blowing in order for Mod to approve it. “Sure,” I thought as I rolled my eyes.

Pushed Too Far

Three days into my job, I was in a meeting regarding new online content. It wasn’t anything serious. In fact, it was a laidback affair where we shared a couple of laughs and opened up some snacks. We were relaxed and may have even been a bit too noisy. None of us wanted there to be any stress, hence the chill environment of the meeting. The meeting ended up lasting until 6 PM and we’d left quite a mess. Still, we figured we’d clean up our room in the morning.

But when all five of us arrived at the office the next day, each of us were individually called up to Dul’s office. I remember when it was my turn to go in, the colleague before me warned me, “Whatever he says, just stay calm.” I was already thinking this could not be good. When I went upstairs, I’d brought my new water bottle to fill up and had taken it into Dul’s office.

He looks at the water bottle in my hand and then looks at me. “New water bottle?” he asks. Unsure of where this is going, I answer, “Yes, I…” But before I could go on, he cuts me off, “Do you know you’re disrespecting me by bringing your bottle into my office?” At this point, I’m unsure of what to say so I say nothing and sit down. Sure enough, he proceeds to tear into me about the mess we made yesterday and how noisy we were. Yes, we were fully guilty for that. But that’s not the end of it. Dul proceeds go on a rant about how today’s generation are so rude. One anecdote that stands out to me was when he said, “You know, today’s kids like to say that Chinese tourists are so rude. Well, you know what? Today’s kids are even worse!” In my mind, I was wondering how all of this was related. But then he pushes way too far, “Don’t let your actions affect your father’s image.” I feel my face burning at that very moment. My fists immediately clench and I bite my lip. It took all of my willpower not to reach across and strike him in the face. My face hot, I can only nod in response.

He finally lets me go back to work as I’m still clenching my fists. Dul acts like everything’s normal and that he’s said nothing wrong but to me, he’s just made himself my enemy.

COVID-19 Breaks Me & More Work For Us

The timing in which I joined Thai Fight was poor, to say the least. I was less than four weeks out from the first event of the year, scheduled for February 29. But then of course, the world’s most devastating pandemics happened, bringing the world to a standstill. And Thai Fight was no exception. About a week before the event, the company announced that the event would be indefinitely postponed. With the lack of events, the workload only increased for the Online Team.

By that time, a lot of companies had temporarily shut down and had their employees work from home. But not Thai Fight. For the company, it was as if there was no COVID-19. We were still coming into the office six days a week and working 9 AM to 6 PM. Perhaps the only noticeable difference was that Mod was cowering away on the fourth floor. Funny right? His employees were risking their livelihood by just coming to work while he was locking himself in his own room with all the necessary supplies, afraid to catch the coronavirus. This was when I started to question Mod’s leadership.

Regarding the workload, the Online Team was now tasked with thinking of new online content in order to fill the company’s social media platforms. At one point in time, Mod had presented the idea of making members of the Online Team hosts of online shows, promising that we could become famous through our appearances. Eventually, I became the host of a show titled “Muay Thai’s Hidden Secrets”, which lasted all of 7 episodes. I thought I would be allowed some creative freedom with the show. But boy, I was so wrong. O often filtered what went in and out of the show and ultimately, there wasn’t much I could do with the restriction on content.

By now, the Online Team was growing frustrated with our inability to work from home. We were continually required to come into the office six days a week. Our team leader appealed that our work could be done remotely but her words fell upon O’s deaf ears. I guess the word “online” doesn’t mean anything in Thai Fight. It just means we’re supposed to post shit to social media whenever Mod tells us. So we continued brainstorming and O eventually conceived the idea of “The Thai Fight Center”, a show where I provided commentary to the company’s old fights. Now I like to think I gave my best effort on this show but O said it was shit. Well, guess what? Fuck you, O!

At one point, Mod even came up with the absurd idea of a variety show, which he bestowed the terrible name of “Good Morning Thai Fight”. It started out as a news-style show but eventually evolved into a three-segment variety show which included facts & history, sports, and entertainment. I was designated to cover the sports segment. With three shows to handle between two video editors, this was a lot of work! I’d like to stress that in the Online Team, the brunt of the work falls on the video editors. How else do you edit the video clips and adjust the sound bits? Shoutout to those guys. Again, Mod and O were there to dictate our content. For example, if my topics got too repetitive, O would hand me another topic (e.g. fighting fish) which I had no interest in. And my lack of enthusiasm showed whenever I covered this other topic. But when I did a topic I was fully interested in (e.g. wrestling), the energy was evident on YouTube. Still, Mod would complain about minor shit like movies in the Entertainment segment being too old. He even called me one morning to complain and tell my colleague choose newer movies. I could only think to myself, “Not my fucking problem.”

None of the Thai Fight fans ever cared for new content. They like Thai Fight for the events, the fights, and the fighters. All three of the shows I mentioned have been discontinued since I left the company.

Bullshit Business

At the time I was working with Thai Fight, there were 9 fighters who were under contract with the company. O explained that these fighters were guaranteed at least 8 fights a year so they were ensured some financial stability. But still it got me thinking, “What about their opponents?” You see, Thai Fight presents itself as an organization that unites Thai people by having Thai fighters face foreign opponents. Where do those guys come from? In the early days, perhaps some foreign opponents actually fought out of the countries they represented. But in recent years, more of the foreign opponents are usually based in Thailand. I say this because more of them have appeared on Thai Fight multiple times. And when I started working with the company, they usually choose foreign opponents based on their availability and them being in the country. Going back to the foreigners who’ve fought at the events multiple times, these guys have lost more than they’ve won. This aroused my suspicions that Thai Fight and the gyms these foreigners train at have been paying them to unknowingly lose.

My suspicions were essentially confirmed when I paid a visit to a run-down Muay Thai gym as part of a documentary series the company was shooting. All the fighters training there were foreigners. There were guys from Brazil, Iran, and Algeria. Some of them I’d seen competing on Thai Fight several times and not once did I ever see them win. I could only assume that the gym was in cahoots with Thai Fight. They would probably say to the company, “I got this foreigner who would make a scary-looking opponent for your fighter to beat.” These guys were basically training so hard only to get served on a platter to Thai Fight’s contracted fighters and get beat up. And Mod said ONE Championship “slaughtered Thai fighters”. So what does Thai Fight do to foreign fighters? When I met them, part of me wanted them to just leave the gym and find somewhere else to train and fight.

Mod has always claimed Thai Fight has the best Muay Thai fighters in the world. However, I’ve come to question the caliber of their competition in the last few years. I will admit there have been the few times that Thai Fight’s guys have fought legit champions and picked up wins. But more often than not, they’re matched up against guys who are virtually nobodies. When I started working at the company, I noticed that Mod expressed prejudice for the Channel 8 weekly Muay Thai programs, Muay Thai Super Champ and Muay Hardcore, as if they were a level below Thai Fight. However, I also noticed that in more recent Thai Fight events, the foreign opponents his fighters face are the same foreigners who compete on those weekly programs. Ironic, huh? And it also makes you question how good Thai Fight’s fighters really are.

Then there’s also a story my colleague told me about how Mod was searching for an opponent for a young, promising fighter. He was sifting through footage with another employee. All of a sudden, he says, “No, not this guy. He’s too tough.” Now I wasn’t there to hear it and this is a secondhand account. But it makes you wonder how confident he really is in his fighters.

To any foreign Muay Thai fighter who may be reading this, if you’re thinking about competing in Thai Fight I have two pieces of advice for you:

1. Just don’t. There are better events to compete for.

2. Knock your opponent out. Not just down, out.

A Way Out

As we entered July, I had resigned myself to my fate and was planning on sticking with Thai Fight for a year. After that, I was probably going to hunt for a new job. Either way, I figured the workload would start to decrease for the Online Team now that live events were going to resume. But then my dad tells me something I’m not expecting when I get home, “My friend offered you a job at his company.” I was surprised and was at a loss for words. At first, I told my dad I couldn’t just leave. Then he drops another bomb. His friend had heard of Mod. A lot of big business owners had. And a lot of them didn’t want to work with him because a lot his projects never launched. That was all I needed to come down to a decision.

So the next day at lunch, I sit down with O and tell him I’m resigning. Surprisingly, he’s understanding and says, “When you can’t handle it anymore, it’s just time to leave.” Then he tells me how to proceed: inform Dul of my resignation, fill out the resignation form, and say goodbye to Mod before my last day. When I tell Dul I’m resigning, citing health issues, I was not expecting a long talk about health advice. Oh, and I also found out he was a former member of the national soccer team. More useless information!

In the next few days, I let my friends know that soon I will no longer be working at Thai Fight. Most of them congratulate me and one even tells me I’m blessed to be able to find work amid the pandemic. Another tells me to love my dad a lot because of what he’s done for me (Love ya, dad!). A colleague of mine was kind enough to help design a slick-looking resume for me to hand in at my new company. God bless her! So yeah, I was glad to be on my way out of Thai Fight.

Now I don’t know if Mod knew I was resigning while I was still at the company. But in the last two weeks I was there, he decides to go full-swing on ONE Championship. The entire time I worked at Thai Fight, whenever I was in the same room with Mod, he would never miss an opportunity to take shots at ONE. So I’m working one afternoon when he walks into my office and sits down. “Did you watch the event last night?” he asks, referring to ONE Championship: No Surrender which aired on July 31. I said yes. “He’s getting worse,” he continues, referring to a former fighter who competed for Thai Fight. This guy then went on to make more money in ONE Championship and I’m guessing Mod was still bitter about that. I try to keep it cool and say, “But he did do well considering he fought someone ten centimeters taller.” He just shakes his head, “No, he sucks!” This is when I start to lose my cool, “What about the main event! The champion fought well!” Like a stubborn asshole, he still shakes his head, “He sucks too! He can only fight guys his size! He can’t fight bigger guys!” Then I explode, losing any restraint I had, “So what?! All the good fighters are with Thai Fight?! Thai Fight is the best?!” I feel my colleague sitting next to me squeezing my leg in order to calm me down. It was then I realized that engaging in a shouting match with the company owner would do no good so I plugged in my earphones and turned on some music. He continued talking but I had no care about what he had to say.

I originally planned on sticking around until the first event of 2020, which was set to take place in September. However, O helped speed up my resignation to August. I don’t know if he did this because he wanted me out of there as soon possible or if he just wanted to end my suffering. Either way, I’m glad he did what he did. I entered and left the Thai Fight office for the last time on August 28, 2020. Afterwards, I celebrated my dad’s birthday and the end of my time at that toxic workplace.

Person Profile: Mod

Mod is a guy who talks a big talk but can’t walk the big walk. In fact, he’s really all talk. You take away the huge ramp, the pyrotechnics, the fireworks… Thai Fight is no different from all the other weekly Muay Thai TV shows. “World-class”, that’s what he liked to say about his company. But according to who? Himself? His employees? Sorry man, it just doesn’t work that way. And his projects. I haven’t seen them launch since I left. The Thai Fight energy drink? Nowhere to be found. The Thai Fight-themed hotel? Radio silence. Oh, and there were plans of a Thai Fight nightclub when I started working there. Yeah, I haven’t seen that either. So I will happily label this guy as a big-mouthed egomaniac.

Person Profile: Dul

Dul is HR in name only. Why do I say this? I’m no expert in HR but from what I’ve been told, he can’t even perform the basic tasks of an HR officer. It’s safe to say he got the job because of his family connections. I’ve heard the words ‘forgive and forget’ all too often but after what he said to me, I don’t think I’ll do either for him. Whenever people wanted to take a leave, he would guilt them from doing so. When they did take a leave, he would pry them for more information. “Where are you going? Why are you going?” he would ask. If I were those people, I’d just say, “None of your damn business.” Next to that, he could never justify having to work a sixth day. It was just, “Because it’s my say-so. And Mod’s say-so. So you come in to work on Saturday.” Working six days a work really does take its toll on you. Dul would also call people out for leaving the office slightly early while he would blatantly leave an hour early himself. Some days, he’d just fuck off to who knows where. Essentially, he’d get his own days off. Truth be told, Dul was probably the worst person in Thai Fight.

A Souvenir

Remember the part where I mentioned Thai Fight shirts? Yeah, they don’t come for free. Not even for staff members. We staff members had to buy our fucking uniforms, which were ugly polo shirts! The price tag? 400 baht for staff and 799 for regular customers. Wow, what a fucking discount! I did end up getting one free shirt when I first started working there and bought another. Ultimately, after leaving the company, I gave both away. But when I left, an older colleague smuggled me two pairs of Thai Fight shorts as a souvenir. Pretty good parting gift for a company that doesn’t let their fighters keep their fight shorts. Honestly, they do make for good workout gear. Thanks older colleague!

Conclusion

So Thai Fight wasn’t the dream workplace I had envisioned in my mind. The four-story home office wasn’t the problem. It was the man running it. While he spoke of big things, I honestly have to chalk it down to delusions of grandeur. I love fight sports and I will boldly say that Thai Fight is not world-class. That said, he had no business talking shit about bigger companies like ONE Championship. Already agitated by his empty promises, this was probably what made me resent him even more. He also restricted the Online Team’s creativity, dictating what we could and couldn’t do through the company’s social media platforms. There was so much potential there but I guess he shot himself in the foot with that one. He wants 1 million Facebook likes for Thai Fight? Yeah, I don’t see that happening in the next few years. I don’t even see the YouTube channel getting a million subscribers. They’re still stuck doing the same old shit that they’ve been doing for the last ten years. That said, the members of the Online Team are the real heroes for putting up with his bullshit. Shoutout to the Online Team!

Then you have the ordeal of working six days a week. That’s one thing. But when you’re doing it with a bunch of toxic people, especially someone like Dul, it really does corrode your morale. I’ve always wondered what would happened if I worked six days there without him. But hey, I’m not there anymore and that’s good enough for me! His constant questioning about where I’d go on my leave days also helped in only making me hate him more. Like I said, I hated him since the office ordeal but since then he’d only made it worse. I could even go on to say that he played a vital role in me leaving Thai Fight. This one person could poison an entire ocean, for all I know.

And that is the story of why I left Thai Fight.

An Open Letter to Myself, Pt. III

I didn’t expect for there to be a third part to all this. But then again, nothing is certain. So here I am once more. And chances are that we are far from the end. Like the previous two parts, I’m going to ask myself the same question. Is it difficult to maintain a positive outlook on life? Yes, it’s an uphill battle to try and see the good in life. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. For every cloud, there’s always a silver lining. And I still find that it’s the small things that make life worth appreciating.  

            So where do I begin? I’m currently working my third job since graduating college, my second job of the year 2020. I did end up leaving Siam Piwat to work for Thai Fight. My stint with the Muay Thai company lasted all of six months. Yes, six months. Not even a year. I began working at Thai Fight on February 3, 2020 before walking out of the office for the last time on August 28, 2020. Not once did I go to a Muay Thai event they hosted due to the severity of the coronavirus pandemic. Perhaps it was best I never got to go.

            Going into Thai Fight, I noticed so many red flags with this so-called “organization”. Expecting the office to be a building of some kind, I was greeted with a four-story house. Thai Fight was a home office where the bottom three floors were working space. “Okay, I guess it’s about the quality of the staff,” I thought to myself. Then came the second red flag, the HR guy. Handing in my documents, dude has me sit down for a conversation about how he was tasked with the honorable job of holding down the top rope for the fighters at events, how he served in the army, and how he was the company owner’s brother-in-law. Um, okay?

            Three days into the job, my team and I had a meeting that finished late. So we didn’t get to cleaning up the room. Next day, HR guy calls us individually to talk. When it comes my turn, a colleague warns me, “Whatever he says, stay calm.” I think to myself, “This isn’t good.” As I go to his office, I carry my water bottle that I had just filled up with me. He looks at me and at it as I enter his office. When I sit, he asks, “New water bottle?” Before I answer, he continues, “You know you’re not respecting me by bringing your bottle into my office.” What the actual fuck? But he’s not done. He goes on about how our office was a mess and how we’d been noisy during our meeting (guess people aren’t allowed to have a good laugh). But what really pissed me off was when he said these words to me: “Don’t let your actions affect your father’s image.” Fuck you, man! Right then and there, I decided that this HR guy was my enemy. Whatever he did, friendly or hostile, I would hate him.

            I talked with my colleagues about this and it’s no surprise to them. Apparently, HR guy had always been this big of a douche. I guess he thinks just because the owner is married to his sister, it gives him absolute power. But the shenanigans with him don’t end there. Whenever people want to take a leave day, he’ll pry for answers. If someone wants to take a personal day, he’ll ask where they are going and what they are going to do. Now I’m no HR expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s none of his damn business. I could keep going on about this dude but it would take forever. In short, he’s an unqualified piece of shit who only got his job because of family connections.

            Next, the company owner. We’re talking about a guy who talks a big talk but doesn’t do a lot of walking, if you know what I mean. I remember the first time I met him, I was wearing a t-shirt from ONE Championship. If you’ve read my past parts, you’ll know I’m a huge ONE Championship fan. Almost immediately, he proceeds to talk shit about the organization. Something about how their TV ratings in Thailand were so low and that were going to go under sooner or later. And this was just the beginning. Once I started working for him, he’d always find a reason to start a conversation about ONE Championship and it was always negative. For his part, he talked about doing a lot of big projects under the Thai Fight brand that never came to fruition e.g. a hotel, an energy drink, a restaurant and a night club. So I really think he needs to take a seat. From now on, I’ll never believe a single word he says. I’m done with him and all his talk.

            But like I said, there were the little things that made it better. For starters, my colleagues at Thai Fight were about the same age as I was. You had P’Chief who graduated from college in Australia and had been working at the company for a year. There was Eiaw, who was a Kasetsart University alumnus and was also at Thai Fight for a year. Honestly, I still think she was the most beautiful of all my colleagues. You have Jaguar (aka Ja), the youngest of us all, and the kid who always gave me a lift to the subway station. Bless that kid, she was always my closest confidant in that office. And last but not least, there was Namdaeng, an alumnus of Chulalongkorn University like me but from the Faculty of Arts. These were pleasant people to be around and made great gossip company.   

            Six months in Thai Fight had never felt so long. For comparison, I worked at Siam Piwat for 14 months and felt that they flew by faster. I was part of the new-established “online team” composed of five people. But the owner wanted to us to do the work of twenty people. Every week or two, he would ask why the UFC or ONE Championship were able to put up quality online content whereas we couldn’t. The answer is simple: They have a stacked team of staff who have a clear idea of what they’re doing and had all the expensive tools at their disposal. As for us, we were working in the dark with limited tools and getting contradictory instructions.

            A lifeline was thrown to me when my father approached me in late July 2020 about how his friend, the owner of the Carabao Energy Drink, had offered a job after hearing of my woes at Thai Fight. I was hesitant at first and thought about maybe staying until the first event, scheduled for September 19. But eventually, I chose to hand in my resignation effective on August 28. After a less-than-stellar job interview with the head of the marketing department, I was finally able to start working with Carabao on September 16, 2020. The people here seem nice and can lean towards funny when there’s no pressure. I know it won’t be smooth sailing but I hope things will get better from now on.   

            Now, to the biggest update I have this year: love life. You really never know what to expect in life. One year ago, I thought I would never see Palita again. I made a point that I never wanted to see that group of friends again. But guess what happened? I did see that group of friends again. And I got to see Palita again after 18 months. I didn’t expect it to happen but it did. And I sure didn’t expect for the following events to play out.

            So out of the blue, on July 13, Mint calls me while I’m at work. She asks if I’m interested in coming to a reunion dinner and drinks that evening. Everyone would be there, minus Fai. By now, you know what I’m going to say. At first, I make an excuse about having to work six days a week at Thai Fight and that I was drained. Vivie actually chimes in on the call begging for me to come. I still insist that I was too tired and wouldn’t be able to make it. So they back off and it appears I won’t be going. But then I start doubting my decision. I call Mint back and ask her, “Look, I know it’s weird that I’m asking but… is Palita still single?” She tells me that Palita had always been single ever since talking to that guy from our third year in college. I continue our conversation, going on about how I still have unresolved feelings about Palita. Mint says if it were her, she wouldn’t want to leave things unresolved and would rather have some closure. At that moment, I decided I was going to go to that dinner.        

            So I’m sitting in the car with Jaguar, waiting to arrive at the subway. Traffic is unusually bad today and I’m just eager to get to the dinner. As we approach the entrance where I’m supposed to get off, I say to my colleague, “I think I’m about to do something stupid tonight.” With that, I boarded the subway train and was well on my way towards seeing someone I hadn’t seen in well over a year. When I got to the restaurant, none of my friends were to be seen. Turns out they were on the second floor. So I climbed a flight of stairs and I saw her. There she was, in all her beauty. Those 18 months had barely changed her. Everyone was busy conversing and it took me clearing my throat to get their attention.

            We get to catching up as I make myself comfortable next to Palita. For the first time in 18 months, I talk to her just like we were back in college. So many thoughts are rushing through my head in that moment. Do I keep my cool? Do I resolve the thing that’s been bothering me this whole time? I don’t have time to make a decision as the group decides to leave the restaurant and go to a bar for drinks. Guess getting things off my chest will have to wait.

            When we finally get settled at the bar, I sit silently with an occasional sip from my glass of water. The entire time, my eyes are fixated on Palita, who is sitting across from me. Sounds creepy, I know, but I was actually thinking about what to say or what to do next. Hell, I’d finally made some progress by agreeing to come to dinner with my college friends after a long absence. At this point, I was thinking it was now or never. I was most likely never going to come out with my friends again after this. So I got up from the table and went outside, took out my phone and texted Palita to come meet me outside because I had to talk to her.

            My heart was pumping rapidly in my chest. It really felt like one of those moments where my heart was about through burst through. She texts back saying she’ll be right out. Now my heart races even more. This was it, no turning back. When she exits the front door and approaches me, I get to explaining my 18-month absence. I tell her how I felt bummed out when I found out she was talking to a guy in our third year and then to another guy during our graduation. Simply put, I was jealous. I said something along the lines of, “I know it’s been over a year and I owe you an explanation for disappearing. Truth is I really like you.” Understandably, she is stunned for a moment. But she is quick to respond with, “Oh, I see. But are you okay if we continued being friends?”

            That’s the thing. I don’t know what I was expecting. Real life isn’t a television drama where a guy tells a girl he likes her after ghosting her for over a year and the girl tells him she feels the same. No, it doesn’t work like that. So that was her answer. She didn’t feel towards me the way I felt towards her. I answered her by saying, “Of course, I disappeared for a year, didn’t I?” It was a lie. Perhaps it was my way of saying, “Yeah, I’ll be your friend but just don’t expect to see me as usual.” At that moment, Mint, Vivie and Nan come out from the bar. Mint and Palita go to the bathroom while Vivie and Nan stay with me. Vivie asks me what happened and I tell her everything. She apologizes for having invited me out, not knowing this would’ve happened. It wasn’t her fault. No one would’ve known. Turns out Palita told Mint in the bathroom that I’d confessed to her but she really didn’t feel anything towards me. Like I said, real life isn’t a TV drama. She wasn’t in the bathroom saying, “I told him I wanted to be friends but I actually feel something more.”

            So maybe part of me hoped that she would reciprocate the feelings I had for her. But another part of me also knew to expect the other answer. This wasn’t the ideal world and I did disappear on her for 18 months. The fact that she even responded the way she did was more than I deserved, I suppose. But referring to my previous entry, I think I made my self-exile from my group of friends official that night. While I did say I was content to remain friends, I’ve turned down any further invitations from Mint. But Mint and Vivie were courteous to say that if I ever needed anything, if I needed someone to talk to, I could always give them a call.

            I’m just glad I got my feelings about Palita off my chest. Finally, I was able to erase one of those “what-ifs” from my life. And while it took 18 months, at least I was able to confess the feelings I had for her. Regardless of the outcome, I’m just satisfied I gathered the guts to take action. If I didn’t say something that night, heaven knows I would’ve taken it all the way to my grave. For so long, I wondered if she felt the same about me. It was a question that bothered me every night. I used to think about the day she came up to me after our graduation ceremony and told me about how she stopped talking to a photographer due to incompatibility. My counselor told this maybe this was a sign of her possibly showing interest in me. But being me, I never pursued the matter and let it sit for almost two years. Now, this conflict is finally resolved and I can finally put it behind me.      

            So yeah, I took a step I never thought I’d take. And while the results weren’t exactly what I’d hoped for, at least I got some form of closure. As cliché as this may sound, I can finally move on with my life. From staying at a job for six months to confessing feelings, you really don’t know what to expect from life. But it’s the little things that make you want to keep going; the little surprises that make you smile and appreciate the quality of being alive. The year 2020 has shown me that things can get really rough. But what truly matters is how you respond to it. If you get beaten down to your knees, do you stay down? Or do you get up and fight back? I should be the last person saying this, given that I chose to stay at Thai Fight for six months, but I have to keep on fighting by unleashing the best version of myself at Carabao. This is how I fight the adversity that is 2020. As for love? I think I’ll give it a rest. I won’t go actively searching for it but if it’s close by, then perhaps I’ll give it a shot.  

An Open Letter to Myself, Pt. II

            Who am I kidding? Eventually, we all knew there was going to be a second part, and a part three and a part four. Because this story–my life–has yet to come to its conclusion. Asking myself the same question, I still do struggle to maintain a positive outlook on life. However, what I have changed over the past few months is tell myself that everything that’s happened–good or bad–has all been for the best. It’s like I said before, make the most out of every possible situation life takes you and appreciating the small things. To me, that is how you can find happiness.

            Am I still an outcast, an introvert? Yes, but perhaps not as much as I was before I started work. So I began working my first job on October 1, 2018, having finally graduated from college. I landed in the Content team of the Marketing Communications department of the Siam Piwat Group, who’ve been responsible for running three of my childhood malls: Siam Paragon, Siam Center and Siam Discovery. My responsibilities are primarily writing content to post on the shopping malls’ official websites and Facebook pages. So I’m something of a copywriter. Additionally, I’ve conducted some interviews, most notably with the founder of Herschel Supply when he was visiting his store in Siam Center. My official title says I’m a “Content Creation Officer” (CCO). It sounds pretty cool, I guess.

            I remember saying that I wanted to work here between 1 or 3 years before moving on. But that was when I’d just started back in late 2018. To be honest, I don’t exactly love my job. Every day when I go to work at 9 AM, I always look forward to 6 PM, which is when I finish. Tuesdays and Thursdays are fun because those are gym days. Initially, I went to the gym only on the weekends. Eventually, my trainer pushed me to go during the weekdays as well. Now, I’ve also come to value my weekends so much more. It is my colleagues who make the job tolerable and even enjoyable at times. In our down time, we share a bunch of laughs and I just feel like it exudes so much positive energy. It may feel like a long shot to say this, but it sometimes feels like some of my colleagues are my family.

            There’s my boss, P’Aey, a former magazine chief editor who has a knack for seeing the hidden potential of everyone, including myself. Coming into the office initially writing only in English, I’ve been able to start writing Thai-language content with her tutelage. Then there’s P’Pu, my boss’s second-in-command and longtime best friend. I look up to her as a mother/older sister figure. And if there’s anyone I respect most in this office, it’s P’Pu. She’s helped me in both the work and personal aspects of my life, especially after hearing of my romantic woes. To say the least, I’ve learned a lot from her. Next, you have P’White. What once was an older brother figure to me has now become an aunt-like figure with a preference for girls. I guess you could say she’s the closest person to a dude in the office next to myself. Aside from helping me get on my feet upon my arrival at the office, she’s also given me her fair share of ‘guy advice’. And last but not least, there’s P’Bo and P’Kik. P’Bo mostly works with the tourist department and speaks fluent Chinese. She’s also an expert with the best spots to eat in Bangkok, among other places. P’Kik is the graphic designer on our team. She’s wicked talented with Adobe Illustrator and is a great artist. One of these days, I’m thinking about having her design a new tattoo for me (when she has time, of course). They’ve all made my working experience a very pleasant one. To sum it up, both P’Pu and P’White have taught me valuable lessons–both good and bad–that I won’t forget any time soon. And if they are willing to accept, I am happy to call them my new friends.

            On to the progress of my weight, things have turned out far better than I’ve expected. When I was filling out forms for my job application, I’d written down my weight as 58 kg. Believe it or not, my weight had dipped as low as 53 kg in my first couple of months at my workplace. It was at that point that people were beginning to say that I was seriously looking too skinny and sickly. My weight loss plan had worked out too well. So when I finally opted to go to the gym for an extra two days during the weekdays, the main goal was to put on muscle. I began drinking whey protein as well. The last time I measured, I had up to 84% muscle mass and 11% fat mass, not bad in my opinion. At this point, I look to build more muscle in my arms and upper body so that it can optimize the appearance of a tattoo. Yes, that’s right, I’m working out for the purpose of getting a tattoo. Now, as of September 9, 2019, I weigh in at 56.5 kg and wear size 29 jeans.

            Additionally, at my second gym, I began taking up kickboxing classes as well. I was getting tired of just lifting weights and doing abdominal workouts; I was looking for a new challenge. Now, the last time I’d exercised through boxing was 10 years ago. And I pretty much chickened out after developing blisters on my knuckles. This time, I wasn’t going to back down so easily. I bought myself a pair of 4-oz MMA gloves, hand wraps, boardshorts, and ankle supports from the Fairtex shop near my college campus to prepare myself. In my first time back, I foolishly sparred without hand wraps, leaving my knuckles bleeding and virtually scarred. I also brought a compression clothing set from Under Armour to help stabilize myself for the heavy-duty workouts that were to come. It all paid off. This time around, I really enjoyed my cardio kickboxing sessions, connecting on my combinations and relentlessly throwing my roundhouse kicks. My favorite part of the kickboxing workout was perhaps the Star Trac Boxmaster. After purchasing a pair of Glory 10oz gloves, I’ve been able to spar at my optimal strength and fully enjoy my kickboxing sessions, despite how physically demanding they can be. I’ve devoted all my Thursdays to kickboxing and have even nicknamed them “Muay Thai Thursdays” or MTT.  

            My re-ignited love for kickboxing stemmed from my rediscovered passion for combat sports. In sixth grade, I loved pro wrestling and the WWE. But when I found out wrestling wasn’t real, I grew out of it and set my sights on boxing in eighth grade. I had idolized Muhammad Ali for a long time, having put up a poster of him in my dorm room during my freshman year of high school. Manny Pacquiao was also my contemporary boxing hero. After boxing, there was kickboxing and Muay Thai. I would watch videos of legendary fighters like Buakaw and Kaoklai competing at K-1 on YouTube. This all happened while I was at high school in the United States. When I discovered the NFL and American football, though, I was sidetracked and combat sports went on the shelf for quite a long time.

            That was until I found ONE Championship, Southeast Asia’s first major MMA organization. Now, I’d seen the UFC several times but never really liked the UFC because of its trash-talking aspect. People like Conor McGregor and Ronda Rousey had ruined mixed martial arts, in my opinion. You talk so much shit just to sell tickets and make more money. Might as well rename the UFC “WWE 2.0”, right? But ONE Championship was much different. It taught different values: honor, respect, humility and sportsmanship. And its CEO Chatri Sityodtong held the belief that Asia, the birthplace of martial arts, should embrace one of its most important cultural treasures. Additionally, it also hosted kickboxing and Muay Thai matches, which I found to be very appealing. So I began following ONE Championship on a regular basis, watching every major event on Friday evenings via YouTube livestream. I also started watching weekend Muay Thai programs that included MX Muay Xtreme and Muay Thai Super Champ, shows which had been around for a while but I had only recently discovered. But it didn’t end there; I subscribed to UFC Fight Pass, where I was able to access events in MMA, Glory kickboxing, and Burmese lethwei. Watching fight sports essentially became a new part of my lifestyle. That was how I discovered my love for martial arts and, ultimately, combat sports.

            The reason why I bring this up is because ONE Championship may have affected my plans for the future. Being at Siam Piwat for a year, I can’t help but say that I’m slowly feeling the effects of occupational burnout. I know, one year shouldn’t warrant something like this. But it’s happened and I no longer feel the drive to put up my best performance here any longer. I couldn’t even if I tried. Nevertheless, I’ve been able to learn new things while working at Siam Piwat. After completing my one year at this current job, I’m seriously considering the possibility of moving on. A few months earlier, my dad had gotten in touch with a friend who happens to be part of the board of a Muay Thai organization called “Thai Fight”. I’ve seen many of their events before, having started to regularly watch their events, and they aren’t short on talent. It’s certainly a far cry from ONE Championship but if I do take a job in Thai Fight, it may just be my first step towards achieving my dream of being able to work in ONE Championship. A stepping stone, if you will. And at least, I’ll be able to work in the realm of something I truly love: combat sports.    

            Now, on to the recurring issue, my love life. Months after graduation, I have refused to see Palita. I have successfully avoided her for a total of 1 year. There’s no point in denying it, no matter how much I try, she still has an effect on me after all this time. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought this but she has continued to haunt my dreams. I tell myself every time that I’ve moved on from her, that a relationship between us would be impossible. I’ve come to accept that as well. I’ve done my best to sever our ties and burn our bridges. What I can’t deny is that she has been one of my favorite people to have been present in my life. But for now, it’s better if I didn’t see her. While I know it’s not the healthiest solution, I believe it’s all for the best.

            But in cutting her out of my life, I’ve also inadvertently cut out other friends as well. Not only is this unhealthy, but this type of behavior is self-destructive. Day by day, week by week, month by month… I’m slowly losing friends I’d once made during my days at university. But being me, it honestly doesn’t faze me much. As an introvert, I can handle being alone. Hell, I even value being alone over being in the company of people, even if they’re pleasant. During my sister’s graduation from Chula, I even made it a point to avoid Palita and my college friends, double-checking the graduation schedules to make sure that my sister’s graduation day didn’t fall on the same day as my faculty’s (which was where Palita and my friends would show up). Slowly but certainly, old parts of me die each day with this continued pattern of self-destruction.         

            What’s made things easier is the fact that Mint and Fai are both overseas, with Mint studying for her master’s in London and Fai working her job in Singapore. With that said, reunions will be more scarce. Believe me when I say the last thing I want is a reunion. Whenever the group asks if we want to meet up, I’m the first to say I can’t make it and I’ll make up an excuse to not show up. If you ask me now if I ever want to see these friends of mine again, I would probably say, “No.” To tell you the truth, I could honestly live without them. Have they wronged me in any way? Absolutely not. But one of them has somehow managed to play a significant role on my heart. And because of that, I can’t afford to see her face or even speak to her. In an ideal world, it’s best if we never saw each other or heard from each other again. The final nail in the coffin was when I permanently left our group chat on LINE in order to avoid any conversations or talks of meeting up. The last time I ever spoke with Palita? Through a phone call back in December 2018 before I was headed for the airport to take a flight to Tokyo.     

            However, from my encounters with Palita, I’ve learned not to expect things when it comes to love. Having transitioned from university life to office life, I’ve somehow managed to not attempt to seek out love. Why? Because there’s too much heartache and too much false hope to be found. Now, I have no expectations. Without expectations, there’s no need to have any hope. I can’t explain how relieving it feels to be free of such an emotional burden. I have been told by my colleagues, including P’Pu and P’White, that there will come a time that I will long for the company of friends and yearn for a life partner but I will say that now isn’t the time. Right now, I’m savoring every moment of solitude and freedom that I have.

            But I’m going to bring up the other side of the argument. Yes, my colleagues are right. Damn them for being right. A time will come where I will begin yearning for a girlfriend–a life partner–once again. Hell, a time may even come when I want to start a family and have kids. One weekend, I got to meet my niece on my mother’s side. In my mind I couldn’t help but think how she was the most precious and adorable thing I’d ever seen. It also got me thinking that having a family wasn’t the most terrible thing in the world. Then I was also reminded by a conversation I’d had with P’Pu. It went something along the lines of whenever she felt like giving up, her family–her daughter–was her reason to keep on working. However, I still have certain fears and doubts. I’m afraid that if I were to get married, it would end in separation. I’m afraid that if I had a child, they would go down the same path that I have.

            But it is these “what-ifs” that will ultimately prevent me from finding out how things will truly play out. After all, I do get tired of pondering over the many things that could have been but never came to be. Who knows? Maybe my life partner will turn out to be the support system I’ve needed all this time. Maybe she’ll be able to understand me in ways other people haven’t been able to. Maybe my child, if I were to have one, will change me as a person. Perhaps they will make me an even better version of myself. The possibilities are endless. So yes, perhaps a family of my own would give me a reason to fight, a reason to consistently maintain a positive outlook on life. To say the least, this conversation and meeting my niece has opened up my heart and mind to other possibilities.       

            There’s no knowing for sure which path my life will take me at the end of this year, let alone ten years down the road. What I do know is that, over the past year of working and adjusting to the adult life, I’ve been able to salvage and maintain happiness from the littlest of things, whether it was something funny my colleague said or a good fight I saw on ONE Championship. Yes, there’ve certainly been the rough turns but that’s always to be expected. If there’s anything I’ve learned, there’s no such thing as smooth sailing all the way. There will be road bumps and there will be turbulence. The only thing in your control is how you choose to approach them. Expecting hardships is one thing, easy to do. Accepting them, however, is the hardest thing you may ever have to do. Once you learn to both expect and accept them, there is nothing left to worry about. Until then, just take what you can from all that has happened and turn it into something worth cherishing. I’m not religious or spiritual, but I do believe that everything that happens has its purpose. When you fully accept that, true happiness is possible.

An Open Letter to Myself (and Probably Everyone Else)

For most (if not all) of my life, I’ve struggled to maintain a positive outlook on things. I never really belonged with any group of people when starting school and, as a result, I didn’t make many friends. Perhaps I was one of those people who had few but very close friends as opposed to one of those who had many but just not as close. I was more or less an outcast. But that was only the beginning.

Because I couldn’t find myself a group to stick with, from kindergarten through high school, I found myself thinking that I didn’t belong anywhere. And because of that, I stopped seeking out the company of others. That was when I earned myself the label of introvert. Yes, I had a few select friends to hang out with or talk with, but most of the time I preferred to keep to myself. I think that took a turn when I started the first of my final two years of high school in Hong Kong.

  Junior year at HISHK marked as a turning point in my life. Owing to my lack of confidence and generally low self-esteem, I wasn’t really the type to draw the attention of people. Simply put, I could’ve easily disappeared into a crowd of 5 people (yes, 5) if I wished. I was nobody. But by the age of 17, I’d somehow captivated the attention of a 16-year-old Hong Kong student by the name of Chloe. We met at the school orientation in September 2012 and started out as friends. Chloe and I would continually converse through WhatsApp when we weren’t together. We were close enough that she’d invited me to her 17th birthday party on November 17, 2012.

I didn’t make it to the party. Why? On the night of November 15, I’d suffered my first seizure. I found myself waking up in the school’s infirmary, dizzy and confused. They were in the process of getting me into an ambulance. I was set to stay the night at the nearby hospital to be kept under observation. The following morning, outside of a phone call from my dorm neighbor Clarence, the first message I received was from Chloe, asking how I was doing after having heard of last night’s debacle. Looking back, I’m glad she was concerned for me. But then again, later in the day, a lot of people from school posted on my Facebook wishing me to ‘get well soon’ and ‘feel better’. I would like to take this moment to thank them all.

Anyway, I was able to join with the party group after I was discharged from the hospital on November 17. I hugged Chloe for the first time that same day after I shared a story about my grief on the passing of my Labrador and close friend Abby. Truth be told, that was probably the first time I felt something for her. In this case, I mean something more than friendship. Funnily enough, on November 21, she asked me: “I want to know how you feel about me.” At this point, I know how I’m feeling but I just didn’t know the words to use. That was when I sought out the help of my then-roommate Ilkay. I guess you could say that had it not been for Ilkay, Chloe and I would probably never have dated.

So yeah, Chloe and I began a relationship. But there was only so much we could do since we were confined to boarding school and its bogus rules. December 1st of 2012 was the first time we officially went out. We hung out in the city, caught a movie, and finished our night at Times Square Hong Kong, where I was to take a cab back to school. Five and a half years later, I still look back fondly on our first kiss.

Chloe and I were together from November 21, 2012 up until June 27, 2014 (although I guess she decided to break up with me before, can’t give an exact date on that). At first, I felt sad. Little did I know it would be the first step to my first bout of depression over our breakup. Sometimes it got to the point of me being unable to get out of bed or going to bed as early as 6 PM. In addition, I also lost control of my eating habits. At night, I’d sneak out to the nearby 7-11 to buy bags of chips, bottles of sodas and occasionally some beer. I’d be stuffing my face at midnight or 1 in the morning.  

Later on, when I started university, the depression was joined by resentment. Eventually, it developed into a trifecta of depression, resentment and anger. Before that, I’d tried in vain to talk Chloe into getting back with me only to be met with harsh words of rejection. To add to that, she also began talking about another guy at her university. That was when I became vengeful. One night on November 2014, I snapped and opted to break off all contact with her. Facebook, WhatsApp, Line… I erased every trace of her from my life. Later on, on April 2018, I made amends with Chloe and you could say we’re back on speaking terms.

At university, I’d made myself some friends, surprisingly enough. With certainty I will say that my first friend at college was Beam the anime enthusiast and cosplayer. However, the current status of our friendship is in question. Regardless, the most prominent people in my first set of friends would most definitely be Mint and Fai. Mint had enrolled as 16-year-old college freshman out of RIS. Even though she was 16, she was the designated driver among us (and yes, she did this without a license). Fai was about my age, having graduated from a school in Singapore, having studied there for almost half of her life. Others I will mention include Louis the Frenchman and New the cat-lover. Later on in my sophomore year, I would also befriend Palita, Nan and Vivie.

Naturally, having broken up with Chloe after high school, I’d done some searching when I arrived at college. I’ve said it before and I won’t hesitate to say it again, Mina was my first crush in college. From her competence to the sound of her voice, I was actually crazy about her. My mistake? Advertising to pretty much everyone in the faculty my feelings. That was a lesson I later learned: Don’t always be so trusting of the ones around you. But I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her face-to-face. Sure, I’d given a few gestures (a rose for her after she’d won a competition to become the university’s MC), but that just wasn’t enough. My lack of confidence held me back. While she found out, followed by a crazy maelstrom of emotions (all of which were on my part), we have remained on good terms and I’m happy to say we’re still friends.   

But by then, I was also dealing with other issues. Months prior, my mom had been diagnosed with cancer for the fourth time. Still, she was fighting with my dad and sister by her side. Where was I? Too preoccupied with sulking in my own sorrow. Much so that I forgot that there were other people who needed me. In retrospect, I should’ve been there for her. In the last several weeks of my mom’s life, it took so much out of me having to watch her wither away. On the morning of February 24, 2015, at approximately 5:10 AM, my mom finally left. I was broken down, devastated. But of course, life goes on. We mourned her loss and we moved on.

During this time period, I was significantly struggling with my weight, despite having a personal trainer. I remember stepping on the scale on my first day at the gym to see 81.0 kg on the screen. I was clearly overweight with a fat percentage of 28%. I also remember telling my trainer that my target weight was 60 kg, no matter how long it took. But in the beginning, I was going in the wrong direction. By the end of my freshman year, after having paid a visit to Hong Kong for the first time in a year, I had peaked at a ghastly 85 kg. After being continuously teased and mocked by family friends for my physical stature, I decided that it was now or never.

I hit the gym five days a week, avoided high-carb and high-fat foods, and pretty much ate the equivalent of two meals a day: smoothie for breakfast, regular lunch, and protein bar for dinner. No matter how bad I’d want a double bacon cheeseburger from Carl’s Jr., I would always remind myself that it wasn’t worth the weight gain. The protein bar diet did pay some dividends. Having begun my diet on August 2015 at approximately 84 kg, I was 71 kg by August 2016. People really did notice the progress I’d made and I thought that it was as low I could go. Boy, was I wrong indeed. Today, I refer to this period as “Phase 1”.  

Having shed 14 kg, I felt that I was allowed to resume my regular diet. Okay, I didn’t exactly go back to eating cheeseburgers or Chinese takeout every night but I did eat regular-sized portions for three meals a day. What I didn’t take into consideration was the quality of the foods I was eating. Because of that, I gained as much as 4 kg heading into 2017. Despite being cautious of what I ate during my internship at the Bangkok Post from June to August 2017, this time was when I gained most of my weight. Beginning in February 2018, I began what I now refer to as “Phase 2” of my weight loss goal. I’d gone to my cousin’s wedding struggling to breathe in size 34 trousers. That same day, the scale had read 75.0 when I stepped onto it. I resumed my two-meal-a-day plan with some changes. This time, I would eat strictly two meals, breakfast and lunch only. As of July 2018, I weigh in at 59 kg. I can say that I’ve achieved my target weight, even if it took three years. Now I find myself able to wear size 30-32 pants. These past few months were perhaps the first time in my life where people have actually told me to eat more and that I was getting too skinny. Now whether or not they mean it, I don’t know. But it sure does feel good to hear it from others.

When the “I Have a Crush on Mina” ship had left port, I set my sights on another friend, Vivie. I was able to convince myself that I was in love with this girl, despite having known her for a total of three months by then. Her significant other, whom she is now back with, was (and still is) a full-blown tomboy. Still, I told myself that Vivie was the one. Long story short, I had a crush on her for half of 2016 before she went on exchange in South Korea in our junior year. Then it just pretty much came to an end. Whatever happened then, I’m just glad with the way things are now between us.  

During the first semester of my junior year in October 2016, I suffered another seizure. Apparently, this particular one warranted a prescription of Valium from my doctor. Ignoring the instructions, I took a pill every night before bedtime. As the Diazepam accumulated within me, I realized I was in another depression. At the time, I didn’t know that my medication was the cause of it. But boy, the depression really came at a bad time. Mint was dating this guy she’d met while working one summer at a Swensen’s ice-cream shop and Palita was talking with some guy from the accounting faculty. I was hit with the strong feeling of abandonment. Eventually though, after I ceased taking Valium, all of it began to fade away and I was feeling fine by the time 2017 rolled around.

In the first semester of my senior year, however, I realized that depression wasn’t far behind me. Around September 2017, Mint (having already broken up with the ice-cream shop guy) had begun to realize her orientation and decided to reciprocate the feelings Fai has had for her since our sophomore year. The day she told me, she was dropping me off at the gym. To be honest, I was completely taken by surprise. Simultaneously, I also felt down. I did everything my PT instructed but I didn’t say a word. That same day, after seeing an ad on Facebook, I signed up for BetterHelp so that I had someone to voice my feelings to. After all, before this, Mint had been my one true confidant. But that part was over, forever changed. Mint found out about how I was feeling and it left her briefly conflicted. Before long, the two had started a relationship. And whenever the two had a falling out, Mint would come in my direction seeking solace. At the time, I thought I was just the person to pick up the broken pieces between the two, the fucking crutch to lean on when everyone else had turned their backs on her. Looking back on it, I wasn’t sad because I had a crush on Mint, I was sad because of the change that was to come. And she only came to me because she trusted me. There’s no easy way to say this but our friendship has forever changed because of everything that’s happened. Not much I can do but make the most out of how things have turned out.

For a time during our final semester of senior year, I turned my attention to Palita. I just wanted to be away from Mint and Fai, even Vivie (who related well to the two). I’ll admit I was never as close to Palita and Nan as I had been with Mint and Fai; but I would’ve preferred to be with the former as opposed to the latter. Nevertheless, I truly enjoyed being in the company of Palita. My most favorite memory of her has to do with Hong Kong and Disneyland. From time to time, I’ll go on my Instagram and look at the pictures I took with her during our 2017 trip to Hong Kong. I won’t lie, at some point I may have also been smitten with Palita. I’ve written pieces about her, not that she knows they’re about her. I have sent only one piece of prose to her; but that’s just one of many. Our paths have diverged now that we’ve finished university. I don’t know how many more times I’ll see her but I do know that I’m damn grateful for her presence in my life. No matter what happens between us, she will always be a great friend I’ve had the pleasure of having.

Which is why I’m talking in the first place. I’ve been a negative person for most of my life; just ask my dad, my sister, and my friends. I seem to find the dark even in the brightest of things. There’s always this urge to always dig up some dirt. They got married? Huh, she’s probably in for the money. They’re doing community work? Huh, publicity will get you places. You know what I mean. In the meantime, I would always complain about how things didn’t turn out a certain way.

For sure, there are many things in my life (and I’m sure in others’ lives) that didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to. You know how they say you’re in control of your own destiny? I beg to differ. While part of it may be true, you’re not always in control of the happenings around you. Example? Unreciprocated feelings. I could swim halfway across the world (in reality, I can’t) to prove my love only to find that the other party isn’t willing to do the same. You see, while I may be able to control my own feelings, I have no control over the feelings of another person. And ultimately, things play out differently.

Sometimes I wonder if one course action would’ve made the difference. Did I make a mistake in not calling? What if I’d told her how I felt instead of keeping quiet? My life has mostly been built up of “what-ifs” and “why-nots”. There are endless possibilities when you stop to think about it. I’ve come to realize that I’ve spent too much time wishing for certain things in life. Life is a far cry from perfect but there is still so much to love about it. Sometimes you just can’t force a certain outcome in life and you just have to roll along with it. Over the years, I’ve learned to appreciate every little thing out of every single situation. Furthermore, I’ve learned to live with every outcome. In my opinion, I believe life is about finding small things in every aspect that you learn to appreciate and just ultimately trying to make the most out of every possible situation life takes you, regardless of how much or how little you like it. Essentially, I can appreciate what I do have instead of focusing on what I don’t. When you learn to do this, you can ultimately achieve some degree of happiness in the end.